Relationship - Appreciation

A Common Story:

She told me that over the past few years she and Jim, her husband, seemed to be growing apart and that the excitement, passion, and love she’d felt in the early years of her marriage were starting to die out. She was sad, scared, and angry about it, but didn’t know what to do. Susan was a self-admitted “good girl” who avoided confrontation, arguments, or disagreements of any kind. She and Jim didn’t fight, and they weren’t overtly hostile to one another at all. Jim worked a lot, and when he wasn't working, he spent time doing projects around the house, taking their kids to activities, and coaching soccer. Susan said that even though she wasn’t very happy with him, Jim was a “good man, husband, and father.” As we talked further about it, what became clear was that Susan no longer felt adored, appreciated, or cherished by Jim as she had when they first got married. It had actually been many years since she’d felt that way, and it wasn't until now that she discovered it was the lack of appreciation that was causing her feelings of disconnection from Jim. When she looked deeper, Susan was also able to see that she had stopped appreciating Jim. Although given her personality she wasn’t overtly critical of him, she acknowledged that she rarely complimented him or expressed her love and appreciation in any demonstrative way anymore. She said that because she hadn’t been feeling close or excited about him and their marriage, she didn’t want to send the wrong message and have him think that things were going well when they clearly weren’t, in her opinion. Through our coaching sessions Susan realized that she had pulled back and was withholding her appreciation. Susan and Jim are not unique; this is what happens in many relationships. We forget accidentally or on purpose to acknowledge and appreciate our significant other, and it what’s wrong out there? leads to resentment, disconnection, and pain for one or both of us. Think of your relationships, both the ones you consider “good” and especially the ones you consider “bad.” If you look at them closely, you’ll probably see that there’s a lack of appreciation on your part or on the part of the other person. 

Quoted from the Book, Focus on the Good Stuff, Mike Robbins.